Fast Times at Han High
by nanashi 1523
Summary: WE'RE BACK! please review


1

**Fast times at Han high**

**Chapter 1:** **Introduction to insanity**

**Disclaimer: We do not own dynasty warriors. Well, we own a copy of the game(s), but we don't own the characters. They are property of Koei**. **Pirates of the Caribbean is property of Disney. "Stairway to Heaven" is property of Atlantic records.**

Guan Yu was sitting at home reading while his brothers were at a Koei convention. He picked up the mail and saw an envelope that read "You have been invited a fan fic audition."

"What's this, an audition? Well since there is nothing to do as of now, I guess it wouldn't hurt. I better write my brothers a note."

He got up and tripped on his slightly oversized robe. Sighing, he pulled out a notepad entitled "things to do". Right under "kill Yan Liang and Wen Chou," he put kill my damn tailor and the bastard Koei executive who hired him. With that he got up and tripped on his beard. Mumbling expletives he got on Red Hare and rode to the studio listed as the return address.

What greeted him was nothing short of utter chaos as all the playable characters and a few of the non-playable ones were talking loudly as they were trying to figure what's going on. Just then two teenagers walked out onto the speaking platform(guess who they are). The one with the microphone whacked the microphone against the stage getting their attention very quickly.

"I bet you want to know why you were invited here."

"Yep." Hua Xiong voiced

"You are here to take part in a fan fic."

Meng Huo asked confused, "Fan what?"

"Fan fic. It's short for fan fiction. Basically those of us who are fans of your game write our own fiction about you." Geoff replied.

"Oh, Okay then" Meng Huo replied.

"We are the authors. My name is Geoff and my friend over there is Zach." Geoff added.

"Why do we need authors?" Cao Pi asked.

"We are the authors because we are the ones who write the story. I don't remember inviting you." Zach added.

"You didn't, I just came because I was bored ." Cao Pi said.

sigh "Okay now that you know why you are here, we'll explain the plot and give you your roles. Zach, you take over." Geoff said with mild annoyance.

"Okay this story is about you guys in high school and since it's high school you are gonna be

different from how you are now. Any Questions?"Zach added. Everyone looked at him weirdly and the crowd was speechless. "Good, now for your roles. I'll start with Shu. Guan Yu, you are a football player."

"But that can harm my beard." Guan Yu said.

sigh "You are a freshman in high school. You won't have a beard, you'll have peach fuzz sideburns." Zach retorted.

"Awwwww." Guan Yu sighed.

"Next, Zhang Fei you're a rapper. If you're wondering, it's cause you look like one, sorta. Liu Bei is the head of the FCA."

"What's the FCA?", Liu Bei asked.

"Fellowship of Christen Athletes" Zach stated dryly.

"What's a Christian?" Liu Bei asked puzzled.

"Geoff, please help." Zach requested. Geoff just looked around and snapped.

"Oh." Liu Bei said in an understanding kind of voice.

"Umm, what was with the snapping?"asked Xiahou Yuan.

"Author magic. We are the authors. We control this fic, therefore we have magic to aide us. I use my author magic by snapping and Zach controls his by tying whatever he wants down. That's why he carries the laptop around." Geoff answered.

"Okay to continue, Huang Zhong is the remedial student. Wei Yan is the kid with the speech impediment. Jiang Wei is the tattle tale. Zhao Yun is the gang leader. Zhuge Liang is the smart kid. Yue Ying is a nerd girl. Pang Tong is the weird kid."

"Why am **I** the weird kid?" Pang Tong whined.

"You dress like a hobo and you laugh when you get hit. Deal with it." Geoff said.

"Next are Mi Zhu and Mi Fang. Mi Fang is a kleptomaniac and Mi Zhu is the pervert." Zach interjected.

"The last two are Ma Chao and Ma Su. Ma Chao is a surfer and Ma Su is the kid that always fails."

"No fair, why do I always have to fail?" Ma Su complained.

"Do I really need to answer that question?" Geoff said. It was at this moment Zach pulled a video up on his laptop.

"See here? This is a video of Jie ting, and this is that little pansy Zhang He kicking your butt all the way down the hill." Zach added. Ma Su scowled and Zhang He let out a chuckle.

"Good, now on to Wei. First, Cao Cao is the Junior ROTC officer. Xiahou Yuan is a guitar loving hippie and Xiahou Dun is a hillbilly."Zach continued with the casting.

"Talk about some odd personalities." Dian Wei said to Xu Zhu.

"You have no room to talk. You get to be a Cro-Magnum man and a bully."

"**CRAP!**" Dian Wei shouted.

"Xu Zhu is a the fat kid. Xu Huang is the soccer prodigy. Zhang Liao is the french club president 'cause he looks french. Sima Yi is the goth poet. Zhang he is a dancer and Zhen Ji is the band dork."

"Ha Ha, you're a band nerd."Lu Bu laughed.

"There's nothing wrong with that." Geoff said. "If you play the flute part, I'll play the bass part with my trombone. Then all we'll need is a electric guitarist and a vocalist to play "Stairway to Heaven." Geoff added

"Geoff, now is not the time!" Zach said sternly.

"Can't we at least get Pirates of the Caribbean going?" Geoff pleaded, but it was met by an immediate rejection from Zach.

"Cao Ren is the physical prodigy. The kind of person who can climb the rope in gym class in about 10 seconds." Zach said putting them back on task.

"Finally, Meng Da is deranged after being bonked on the head by Gongzun Zan. He is now an anarchist, and the only bit of sanity he retains is his hate for Xu Huang. He hates him because Xu Huang always beat him at the soccer tryouts. He can't realize he sinks at soccer. He is like Ma Su and always fails." Geoff said quickly.

"What about me?"Cao Pi asked.

"You weren't invited, so you don't get a part. Geoff, you do the rest." Zach said.

"I'll start with Wu. Lu Xun is the resident pyromaniac. Taishi Ci is in the chorus. Sun Ce is the ladies man. Zhou Yu is the arrogant bragger." Geoff interjected.

"Shouldn't that be the other way around?" Zhou Yu asked.

"Yeah, but we thought of Sun Ce for that first. Besides this is highschool. You mellowed out and somehow he grew more reckless. To continue, Sun Shang Xiang is the kid who picks fights and beats you up. Sun Quan runs track and Lu Meng is a whore for the establishment. Sun Jian is the president of the Latin club. Gan Ning is the troublemaker and Ling Tong is the kid who's always pissed at Gan Ning." Geoff said in a blur of words.

"I can do that real good." Ling Tong stated proudly.

"Yes, we know. Zhou Tai is the Loner. Da Qiao is a dancer. Xiao Qiao the fashion police and Huang Gai is a basketball player." Geoff finished.

"Last is Bu Zhi as the kid who always debates and argues." Zach said.

"I don't always argue." Bu Zhi indigently stated..

"You are now." Zach retorted.

"Curses, cut down by my tongue." Bu Zhi said in a depressed manner.

"Ok, now on to the other forces. Meng Huo and Zhu Rong are foreign exchange students. Dong Zhuo and Yuan Shao are the rich kids." Geoff stated.

"How rich?" they asked.

"So rich their nanny has a personal assistant rich. Gongzun Zan is a video game nerd that jumps out of lockers because he's insane. Diao Chan is a prom queen. Lu Bu is the nerd."

"I don't think so." Lu Bu said picking up his halberd.

"Nanashi, please take care of him."

A samurai in a simple kimono came out of nowhere and in half a second had a katana to Lu Bu's throat.

"What the hell?" was all Lu Bu could muster.

"Meet my alter ego, Nanashi." Geoff stated

"You have a multiple personality?" Lu Bu asked stunned.

"No they're different. An alter ego is a physical representation of a person's good or bad qualities. He's a special case cause I made him with author magic." Geoff said.

"And I provided the hair gel." Zach added.

"Besides, you being a nerd fits." Geoff stated. Lu Bu just looked puzzled.

"It explains how you were such a betrayer in history. You did because of treatment in high school." Zach added.

"That makes sense."

"Yep. Last is Hua Xiong, who has multiple personality disorder. All your personalities are famous or semi-famous people named Richard." Geoff said.

"I refuse. It was bad enough being killed by Guan Yu, but this is too far." Hua Xiong protested.

"You won't be killed by Guan Yu." Zach added.

"Really, I'm in." Hua Xiong agreed.

"I don't get to kill him?" Guan Yu whispered to Zach.

"After the story." Zach whispered back.

"That's everyone." Geoff finished.

"How do get we there?" Cao Cao asked.

Never missing a bit of fun, Zach said "Clap your hand together and say I'm going to fan fic land three times."

They did this and, not surprisingly, nothing happened. Strangely is was Zhou Tai who broke the silence.

"Did it work?"He asked.

"How will we be able to tell?" Cao Pi asked.

Rolling his eyes and pulling a pirate's pistol out of his belt, Geoff fired and shot Cao Pi in the side.

"You're not dead." Xu Huang said.

"Yeah, you shot me. Wait a minute, you shot me." Cao Pi said and then promptly shrieked and fainted.

"Umm.... he gets that from his mother's side." Cao Cao said.

"**Sure, **Cao Cao." Liu Bei said.

"Both of you, shut up. Sun Jian force feed him a healing pork bun." Geoff said thoroughly annoyed. "When I snap my fingers you'll go to our fan fic and you won't remember any thing."

Geoff said.

snap

The room was left empty with the exception of the authors, Geoff's alter ego and, Cao Pi.

"Now get out of here." Zach said and Cao Pi very quickly left.

"Oo, what was up was your method of getting to our story location?" Geoff asked

"Spur of the moment." Zach added, "Who knows where they ended up?"

"I do, I was the one who sent them there." Geoff said.


End file.
